Over the past few months I've been trying to get my life back into order. It's a tough process and when I think I'm doing great, I end up failing and realizing that it's all a downhill battle. I've been suffering from depression for a year now, though at times it seems like an eternity. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy with anything. Writing and making graphics no longer seem to matter to me, I've become the world's biggest procrastinator, and I seem to be drawn into drama that I neither want nor have truly been any part of. I think if I were to escape all the meaningless drama crap then I'd be fine. Who knew online life could be filled with more drama than my actual life?
I've been playing around with DW since I received my invite code, just trying to figure things out. It's still in it's beta testing and I'm hoping it'll be a lot better, but I'm not sure if I like it or not. Currently there's not a whole lot on my journal, as DW is importing everything from my LJ onto my DW.
Today's my day off and I woke up feeling very helpless. It's strange. I blame it on the amount of caffeine I consumed last night while waiting for my brother to get out of class. But, hopefully today progresses into a better day.
To be honest, yes and no.
Yes, because I've got no health insurance right now, so hospital bills would be ridiculously high and because I'd need an inhaler (my asthma acts up when I'm sick). And no, because I think I do a good job taking care of myself, staying healthy, taking vitamins, and making sure I keep my hands washed/sanitized all the time at work.
Today our company issued a company-wide letter where each employee must sign it stating that we will not talk about anything regarding our company. Personally, I think this is bullshit. I don't like that I am being forced to keep my mouth shut, especially if situations at my work have pissed me off. It's not as if I'm naming names and being fucking specific about vents that've transpired there. However, seeing as I was basically threatened with my job if I refused to sign the letter, I signed it. Oh well.
On the flipside, RPG drama is fucking crap. People who are no longer on my site are trying to act like they're still there and like they have a say in what me and the other admins do. Lost a good friend through all of this, too. It reassures my belief that 3/4 of this planet's population is retarded.
One of my friend's is in the hospital. He's been sick since last Thursday and finally went to the hospital last night. They admitted him last night, as well, and now we're waiting to hear back on what's wrong. I hope he's okay. :\
- 07:02 My weekend starts in five hours! *bounces* #
- 07:20 I will finish season two of Weeds before Monday. x.x #
- 13:07 One more day til the weekend. #
- 17:13 trip to downtown L.A. with the ex-bf was totally not awkward. >> #
- 13:28 I hate my parents >< #
- 15:39 One more day until my super duper weekend. .__. #
- 12:30 really doesn't want to go to work today. But, happy St. Patrick's Day! #
I go through periods where I don't have any inspiration/muse to do anything creative. I sit down and force myself to do things but I'm not truly inspired and lack a care for it. The problem is it's making me sad. I used to love to do so many things and I'm afraid that I've grown out of them because I can't bring myself to focus on something enough to give it my all. I'm not even sure that makes a lick of sense.
I have tried listening to music, looking at art work, reading - all in an attempt to gain my creativity back. But alas, it has not worked. So my question is, how do I go about finding my muse again? Do I give up on everything and wait for it to come back? Do I sit and try to force myself to do things? I'm just in a rut because I'd like to get back into the swing of things, but I don't know how.
Speaking of Heroes, I bought Season Two last night at Target for $20. Score! I also bought Season One of Gossip Girl.
By the way, I also have a new mood theme: Milo Ventimiglia themed. ^^
Your result for True Colors Test - A Self Inventory...
NT - Scholar (Green)
Congratulations! You are the SCHOLAR.
First, the bad news. On any given bad day you're most likely to be perceived as cold, arrogant, know-it-all. At times you are closed off and independent, seemingly absentminded, and have probably been told that you've got your head in the clouds. You get lost in thought easily, and sometimes you leave people back on Earth when you go off on a reverie. All of this means that you can come off as aloof and unappreciative of other peoples opinions. You know better, you're probably just smarter than them.
Now that we've got that out of the way, on to the good news. You are a critical thinker and an innovator. A lifetime learner, your passion and thirst for knowledge will entertain you throughout your lifetime. You are the "ideas" person that people come to for solutions. To hell with implementing the ideas, you'll leave that for someone else to figure out. In the meantime, you're probably always eager to share solutions and wisdom with those who seek it. You're good at being alone, and probably need alone time periodically to recharge and just be in your head. You're a visionary, mentally tough, analytical and capable of meting out judgment. You are highly knowledgeable and people seek that out in you. Try not to let that get to your head.
- Calm and patient
- Sees the big picture
- Insightful and intellectual
- Can never know enough